What I Really, Really, Really Want

On Sunday, two things converged in my consciousness resulting in my post, “Home Sweet Home.” First, I realized that it has been almost exactly one year since the wildfires destroyed much of the area where my son and I had lived a mere 4 months prior. Secondly when I looked out the window that opens up to my porch, I noticed that Lonci (my 90-year-old Hungarian landlady) had gifted my son and I (yet another!) cut rosebud from the section of her beloved rose garden that lives outside my bedroom and living room windows.

I found my Self filled with gratitude for my home and the people in and around it.

I am still on the cliffs of my consciousness, but I have stopped worrying about how to be Gumby (in a red wig). I recognize that this is where I live now. This is my new internal home. I have absolutely no desire to leave.

I have also come to understand that I created my internal home on the cliffs in much the same way that I created my environment within my Lonci home: slowly, patiently, and with a deep knowing that what I desire to manifest in my home is already there waiting for me to discover through relationship with others.

When I began to furnish my Lonci home, I was aware that I wanted comfortable and beautiful pieces to surround me, and that I wanted them to somehow come together from a variety of sources creating a universal feeling of home that was unique to me. I didn’t want to buy “sets.” Honestly, I didn’t even consider buying anything new. Not because of the expense but because (and maybe this is the New Englander in me) I revere (no New England pun intended) furnishings that have a history. To me, there are few household items as special as those that have been touched, loved, used and infused with the hearts, minds, and souls of others.

I furnished my home with pieces that I love from the people who love them.

Similarly, I know that my recently discovered internal cliff home is a universal experience uniquely furnished by my new willingness to enter into relationships with others where love is offered and exchanged. Just as the safety, clarity, and gratitude I feel within the walls of my Lonci cottage generate love of my home, of the people in and around it, and of the world I see outside my windows; the Self that I experience within the walls of my bodily home is learning to experience a world generated from the window of my soul.

In my search for a new home, why did I really, really, really want to have

1. Lots of light
2. Lots of fresh air
3. A feeling of warmth, a feeling that “love lives here”
4. A feeling of being surrounded by feminine energy
5. Big enough for my son and I and our friends?

Because from the window of my soul, I now see that they are the things that I really, really, really wanted to have in my Self.