Fear Factor

I’m going to admit right at the top that I am processing from my head now cuz I need to let my thoughts sift internally from the top down through my body (before I turn around).

I envision something scary behind me, and to be honest, a few days ago I did sneak a quick peek. Whatever it was had crouched under the wooden seat at the back of the boat. There was something looking up at me, but all I could see were its eyes. Those eyes sent chills up my spine and infused me with so much fear that I had to turn away.

Today, after thinking about that experience, I wonder if fear has been having its way with me. Is it possible that whatever is in the stern is actually benign, harmless, possibly friendly, maybe even full of fear itself, and it is my fear that is perceiving it as a gargoyle-ish monster?

Is it all an illusion created by my fear meeting its fear?

Am I seeing this gargoyle-ish monster because I am afraid?

Or am I afraid because I see this gargoyle-ish monster?

And how is this gargoyle-ish monster seeing me?

Only problem is I have to get up the gumption to turn around again and honest to G look at it without my fear which I fear is now running willy-nilly through my body.

Yet, if I don’t get a handle on my fear, how can I trust that anything I experience is reality?

See I told you I was in my head.

I’ve watched the television show Fear Factor twice (it made me too fearful so I never watched it again) and, from what I could see, the competitors were presented with increasingly more difficult (and let’s face it, dangerous) challenges as they attempted to overcome their externalized fears to win a boatload of cash.

I wonder if anyone has ever considered a television show where we had to face our fears in our own personal internal world? To win what? Our real Self? Sans illusions?

Is that what I am afraid of?

Fear Factor.

The only thing that keeps me in this sometimes terrifying game is my intention to secure a boatload of me.

That’s something I can begin to get my head around.