This Is My Easy, Breezy, Beautiful Kind of Cover Girl Life (At The Moment)

Strap on your seatbelts. It’s time for another whack-a-doodle ride.

I recognize that I have a strange inner process, but I also recognize that it is probably no stranger than anyone else’s.

My process seems to be this:

• Have conflict with someone I care about deeply
• Fight feelings of desperately wanting to annihilate that person (because they “started it” in the first place, and I am feeling desperately unsafe with them and in my own skin)
• Get pissed off at God, the Universe, the Greater Field of Life.
• Label God, the Universe, the GFL “Liars” and “Cruel” (repeatedly, loudly and with much vehemence)
• Throw any “spiritual” book I may be reading (or is innocently in the vicinity) across the room
• Vow never to meditate again
• Cry (okay…sob uncontrollably) on and off for hours
• Live in a limbo fog for the next day or two (or three or four)
• Return to reading A (Stinkin’) Course In Miracles (A”S”CIM)
• Return to meditation
• Experience a profound vision that pushes the edges of my consciousness to new (kinda whack-a-doodle) places and fills me with light and gratitude
• Start all over again

Completely exhausting.

I have to admit that I have had several conflicts lately. One (or two) with my son and one (or two) with one of the leaders of the transformative program I recently left. And you know what else? I am beginning to own that any conflict I have or feel is ultimately between the old ego driven me and the newer "take the high road" Me. And that was my easy, breezy, beautiful kind of cover girl life on Thursday.

On Friday, I was still so upset about the rash of conflicts that came my way that on the way to Santa Monica (while stuck in unbelievably bad traffic…even for LA), I started ranting at God, the Universe, the GFL. I made it clear (in no uncertain terms) that I have:

• given up on my journey (again)
• recognized all this spiritual stuff as “Bulls*#t” (again)
• lost faith in everything including myself (again)

and, although I had no intention of hurting myself or anyone else,

• asked the “powers that be” to take a glance at the chapter entitled “Mary Elizabeth Barrett” in the Universe’s bestselling tell-all super duper book, This Is My Life and simply scan ahead to my future demise because if there is a heart attack or death of natural causes somewhere out there in my distant future, just do us both a big favor; Give it to me now. Thank you very much (again).

Excrutiatingly painful.

This is my easy, breezy, beautiful kind of cover girl life (at the moment).

Welcome to it.