Isn’t That Special?!

I don’t remember if I have mentioned the book, “A Course In Miracles” in this blog. I think I may have. I did talk about it a few times on my previous blog.

“A Course in Miracles” is the most jarringly honest and truly revolutionary book I have ever had the presence of mind to struggle through, because literally every time (and I am NOT exaggerating [for once!]) I struggle with a conflict and ache to blame others, attack, strike back, the LAST thing I want or think I am capable of doing is attaining any sliver of enlightenment. However, it has never failed, that in the middle of conflict, when I open up to my daily read in this stinkin’ book… the passage is exactly applicable to what I am going through at the moment.

And I am most often not happy with the awakening. I will admit that I have had a variety of reactions to those days (like today) when I receive these messages. In the past, I have closed the book with a loud and extremely meaningful slam, or shoved it across the table, or yelled F&*%K YOU (out loud) at it, or lobbed it across the room, or stuffed it in a drawer (sometimes all of them one after the other).

Today I threw it out the window.

I had a very important decision to make, and I struggled with it for a very long time while perched on my cliffs. I stayed in the process until I was sure that I made my decision, not from fear, but from a desire to support my own personal well-being. When I finally made the decision, it felt good and right for me.

In the end, I chose to opt out of a transformational program for women that I submerged my Self in for the past sixteen months. The program I went through was an excruciating but ultimately liberating one. I confronted, let go of, transformed, released, AND found, developed and embraced parts of myself that I never thought I could release or never knew I had within me. And, for various reasons, I was sure it was time to move on.

Until I read my daily passage in this stinkin’ book.

“It” was in a section titled Specialness as a Substitute for Love. What “it” said was this:

Look fairly at whatever makes you give your brother (or sister!) only partial welcome, or would let you think that you are better off apart.

You see, I made the decision not to continue in a course of study that I believe in with all my heart, mind and soul because, in all honesty, I was concerned that the two leaders of the program were incapable of seeing me, dealing with me, talking with me, teaching me devoid of their own misperceptions about me.

In other words, I based my decision, at least in part, in how I thought they would see me…

instead of basing my decision, in full, in how I see them.

So, I sat for another several days to try to tease out if this revelation was guiding me to go back into the work and focus on my seeing them in a “Higher” point of view?

Or was it waking me up to the insight that it is never about how I think others see me?

It is always about how I see them.

In the end, all my musings affirmed my original decision to pursue other avenues of growth, but I did learn something else in the process…

I am not “special,” and neither are you.

But our function, the reason each of us incarnated on this planet in this moment in time, is.